Advising Couples: The Biggest Lie We Live – Learn about it 

What if we didn’t have anything to judge a person on except who they are, their character? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to really know the person you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with? I’ve always thought that courtship, or dating, is the biggest lie we ever live!

And it’s not just men, or just women. We try so hard to impress each other that we really are covering up, or hiding the person we really are. Who are you? Are you the same person you are after 4 months of being with someone? Answer that question honestly.

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Or have you changed? My bet is that you’ve found that after 4 months or so, you either think this partner has potential for the long haul, or you’re ready to ditch them before either of you get too attached. Am I right?

Don’t just think about your current relationship. Think of all of your past relationships. You probably wonder sometimes what could have been if you’d just been yourself. Why does this happen?

In our overly aggressive commitment to satisfying our partner and searching for their acceptance, we do everything we can to make them like us. For a man, you may open doors for her, compliment her, and make her feel like number one to you. For a woman, you may show them how significant they are, show appreciation, and have frequent, impromptu, passionate sex with them.

Both sides think this is great. But deep down, you know this is going to stop. They can’t keep being this great. This is when you start really trying to get at who they are. So you push them, trying to get them to open up, trying to crack them, break them, showing them how bad you can be just to see if they will stay, or if they are the kind to turn and run.

It’s a mental test, and you know you’ve given it. The results have come back mixed. Some stay, some go, and ultimately, most waffle. The next thing you know, you’ve been together for 5 years, and you don’t know what else to do.

You have come too far to not make this last forever, yet you still really don’t know each other. It’s fear. Fear of the unknown will change people. Fear is scary. Fear is the number one reason that people marry the wrong person. Fear can rob you of your happiness.

You’ve destroyed this relationship with this little test. Pushing and pushing, sort of hoping they leave, but desperately wanting them to stay. You ruined each other, and now you have to pay the price. Or do you?

You don’t have to give up, throw in the towel, and live miserably together, or angry apart. You have to work. Most of the problems in your relationship are self-made! The problems are between your ears. When you spend too much time focusing on the problems in your relationship, you exhaust the time and effort needed to develop a solution.

Start over with yourself. That’s where the answer lies. Don’t worry about “my partner isn’t going to change, so why should I.” You can’t change them! You are right. But you can change you, and when you change you, it will make your partner want to change with you. When they are reminded of this wonderful person you are, they will live to satisfy you the way you satisfy them. Focus on your partner. If you are meeting all of their needs, they will do anything to return the favor.

There is no joy like the joy felt when you are loved! It’s an incredible blend of feelings that can’t be duplicated. Love is a verb. It is an action. Actions take work. Don’t give up on your relationship. Focus on solutions to your problems, not the problems themselves. When you change yourself first and meet your partner’s needs, you will embark on an incredible journey full of joy and love.